Hello Beautiful Sexy People!
I’m switching it up!
I tried, I really did and some days I was even really good at it but most days I was just fooling myself and everyone around me. Working a 9-5 job in an office.
My constant pain and medication made it down right impossible for me to keep — well any job down really. The worst part was; me working my ass off– every damn time and it got me nowhere. It got me completely exhausted and frustrated and that made me into a little devil– the kind you don’t really want to be around but rather flick off your shoulder and step on– twice– just to make sure.
“Look at me now– happy as a clam:)”
I’d just written a whole piece about me not being able to live up to other’s and my own expectations but as I read it back I felt like no one is going to want to read through all of this negativity and me just explaining how hard my life is.
I thought you know what, I’m just going to delete the whole thing and spin in into a positive direction.
I’d been looking for a suitable job for a few months now and then there came THE opportunity! And I switched of up! Leaving all assumptions of what a proper job should look like aside– and I became a fulltime (not in the literal sense of the word) Yoga teacher.
I had been teaching yoga for over 4 years now, after I got my ‘yoga teacher diploma’ in 2014, but it always came down to just a few hours of teaching here and there while working in an office. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t hate working in an office but it just didn’t work for me given the situation I’m in and the effort that had to go in to making it work made me very unhappy.
And look at me now– happy as a clam:)
Ok, my face is maybe not screaming happiness in this picture but in my defense the sun was in my eyes and sand was everywhere– everywhere. But nevertheless; very happy girl here↓
This is me in Tenerife just before I started my new job in Holland.
I’d not been on a real summer holiday in –well over 5 years so you can imagine my excitement when I could finally sit my butt down on a beach an tan those buns!
And look at those happy faces! I’m blessed with this wonderful human being! He’s making dreams come through.
Getting me into the right mindset is basically all I need to do to make this life with a chronic illness bearable. Actually getting into that right mindset is sometimes a lot harder than you think. We all have our obstacles and our brain telling us lies and weighing us down by making up worst case scenarios and getting you stuck in this negative ‘feedback loop from hell’ (Mark Manson, 2016).
The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck
When I was away on holiday I started to notice my attitude towards my pain was different. It felt more bearable, like I had accepted it into my life without letting it take over.
I was constantly telling myself not to let this moment be ruined by the pain. So I would just let go of the anger and disapointment and let myself have a good time. And sometimes in order for me to have a good time I would have to lie down on the bed in our hotel room to refuel my energy to be able to go to dinner. I had to tell myself; ‘just let it be wat it is, resisting is not a way to make it better so you might as well just give into it and relax’.
“I will get so upset it will completely consume me to the point I get so angry and frustrated that I start to punch walls and scream
I’d read about this ‘feedback loop of hell’ in this fantastic book as shown down here↓ (The subtle art of not giving a fuck). And it really changed my outlook on life and how I handle and percieve things. this book is now my BIBLE and I strongly advise you to read it– preferably twice. It will help you with so many things in life and get you in that right mindset that will ultimately get you to become a better and happier person, I swear. It’s like a portable therapist; making you think and realize shit– a real reality check in the comfort of your own– well wherever you’re reading this magnificent book.
Anyway, back to the ‘feedback loop from hell’, to give my own little example; I would generally get quite upset whenever I would be about to go somewhere or do something fun and my pain would crash the party and alter my plans. Pretty understandable if you’re all excited about something and your body is just not cooperating.
The messed-up thing in this situation is I will get so upset it will completely consume me to the point I get so angry and frustrated that I start to punch walls and scream bloody murder (not every time– but you know– sometimes).
The mistake I’m making in this situation is not feeling bad about my plans getting altered by the effects of my illness, it’s me getting all worked up and angry about the fact that it’s making me all worked up and angry. I’m feeling bad about feeling bad. I’m getting sad about being sad. I think ‘why does it have to be this way’ and ‘why can’t I handle this in a more relaxed way’. I’m angry at myself for getting angry at something I can’t even control in the first place.
In the book it says;
“Or let’s say you have an anger problem. you get pissed off at the stupidest, most inane stuff, and you have no idea why. And the fact that you get pissed off so easily starts to piss you off even more. And then, in your petty rage, you realize that being angry all the time makes you a shallow and mean person, and you hate it so much that you get angry at yourself. Now look at you: you’re angry at yourself getting angry about being angry. fuck you, wall. Here have a fist.”
I love his writing and his raw way of expression. It taught me so much, but it’s not like I’m forever cured of all life’s little terrors we ultimately attract upon ourselves.
I still catch myself red handed in the middle of the Feedback Loop from Hell, almost every day. But realizing it and acting on it from a different angle has given me so much. Breaking up that “Loop” by telling yourself it’s ok to feel bad about a certain situation but just let it be that; a bad feeling, for just a short while, or however long it takes. But don’t get yourself all worked up about feeling bad or whatever feeling has come out of that situation. Don’t punish yourself for having an emotion but don’t dwell on it either, if that makes sense.
Ok, enough book-talk. Look, we got a puppy!!! I (we) love him so much! He makes my life so much better and I can’t even imagine a life without this little buddy by my side, oh and hey! his name is Buddy;)
Hope you enjoyed this little blogpost, little maybe not so little. But hey, if you liked it drop me a message an you must, I tell you, you MUST buy yourself this book from Mark Manson, it’s a life changer. You will thank me later.
Just klick on the link below to buy the book;) have fun!